Time to change the water to wine

"Sophie Tucker will shit I know
To see her name get billed below"

New Year is coming up, time to create some miracles for the tragic, depressed, unlucky, suicidal, and those who are traumatically affected by life in general.

A miracle is the perfect art.
A miracle is making enough money
A miracle is uttering the correct utterance.
A miracle is genius.
A miracle is walking on water.
A miracle is coming at the same time.
A miracle is an truly open mind.
A miracle is a spleen
A miracle is a madlib.
A miracle is a spiderweb of nerves and angelhairpasta
A miracle is whipped cream.
A miracle is oxygen.
A miracle is not quicksanding yourself day after day.
A miracle is everything.
A miracle is my life many times over.
A miracle is ....
A mir.....
Ami
Mon ami. Is a miracle.

So folks, get ready. I'm buying into the whole resolutions thing. Get ready for my list. It's going to be a doozy.

I tried to be cheerful, but.

To the boy who stole my phone (and my holiday spirit along with it):

Fuck you, and your mother and the horse you rode in on.
Fuck your ignorance.
Fuck your disrespect.
May you never get laid.
No wonder nobody loves you.

No wonder you'll never get out of the status you're in.
You're too stupid to realize you cant sell a phone that's seriously cracked, and has been reported stolen.
You're too stupid for self-respect.
You're too stupid for conduct.
You're too stupid for restraint.
I promise you Obama never stole a cell phone.
Hell, I promise you McCain or Hilary or Bush never stole a cell phone.
I promise you you'll get yours.

There's a fist with your name on it.

I'll get you my pretty.
And you little dog too.

There's blood rushing through my fingertips.......
When I chased him I wanted to catch up to get just close enough to shove the heel of my black leather stilletto right thru his achilles. I wanted to feel one of his bones crack.

Surprising the feelings you feel with the aid of anger
.
I'm not so upset to lose the phone.
Faith is a precious thing, and I'm losing more of it all the time.

That's all I remember.

I need your numbers folks.

Christmas time is here!!

HAY Y'AALL!!

Now that I've been ice-skating, given a secret santa gift, drank a shit ton of eggnog, listened to a south park Christmas album (complete with Cartman's "O Holy NIght"), worn a little red christmas dress, and went Christmas shopping...........I think I can say with confidence, that I'm in the Christmas spirit.

So for you Debbie Downers who are like "I'm poor, Christmas sucks", seriously? I've got this parade, and if you could, like, not rain on it? That'd be great.
I'm freaking poor too, but I'm not about to put it on my parents credit card, and if I have to get creative, I will. That's half the fun.
And if you're a Scrooge who is like "Christmas is about materialism", um,no it's not. That's not a good excuse to not gift give either, that's just an excuse to be a lazy assclam. Be creative, you don't have to SPEND anything. Like I had a friend who wrote me a bunch of Christmas letters a couple years ago (complete with illustrations and poems) and that was AWESOME. I would LOVE for someone to write me a poem. THAT is a great gift.

Or if you're a close friend or sibling of mine you can give me a certificate that says "Next argument we have, you win." Seriously guys, get on this Christmas thing. With the exception of people who are having personal diffulties (such as a family member passing away, or other things from the vast array of life's tough stuff), anyone who isn't enjoying Christmas......well, that's their choice. I personally would never alienate myself from a holiday where I finally get to see my family and do somethig nice for them and see the look on their face when they open their presents.......when I can drink eggog, eat pumpkinpie, and listen to "Baby, It's Cold Outside"........when I think about how much I love my friends and family.

Anyway, that was my rant.

Glad that's out of my system.

Whether you're enjoying Christmas or not, I love you dearly.

Reasons for why I don't call you

I don't call you because I'm glad to be rid of you.
I don't call you because I called you yesterday
I don't call you because I'm desperately in love with you.
I don't call you because I don't want you to think that I'm desperately in love with you.

I don't call you because together we could save Darfur, Mumbai, Somalia, straighten out North Korea, and convince Bill Gates to have mercy on us all - but you might hurt me.
I don't call you because I called you last week.
I don't call you because I want to save you.
I don't call you because if I save you, who will save me?

I don't call you because whenever we make contact I am instantly asphyxiated.
I don't call you because you've had abortions.
I don't call you because you might kill me.
I don't call you because you twist between every single one of my vertibrae

I don't call you because I want to be there to pick up the pieces of your heart which someone else broke.
I don't call you because I'm not sure.
I don't call you because I lost my phone.
I don't call you because you nest inside my clavicle.

I don't call you because you're 35.
I don't called you because you're 30.
I don't call you because you're 21.
I don't call you because you don't call me.

I don't call you because you're infintely smarter than most.
I don't call you because I have to fake that I'm talking about more than one person on this blog, when I'm really just talking about you, in order to satiate my pride/insecurity.
I don't call you because I know I'm not the one for you, and I never want to hear you say it.
I don't call you because I love the way your hands shake - and that's weird.

I don't call you because I'm a slave to my neuroses.
I don't call you because I could be your laundry line; hang your things on me.
I don't call you because I'm badass, too cool for crushes.
I don't call you because I must be called first.

I don't call you because of the still.
I don't call you because I am nothing but a ghostly noose.
I don't call you because it frustrates me that I can't cup your chin to my mouth and kiss you, even if you were two inches away from me, my hands and mouth would be too frozen to respond to the nerve impulses from my brain.
I don't call you because of awkward antlers.
I don't call you because I don't know where your garden is.
I don't call you because it might make me too happy.
I don't call you because you might have a map of me.
I don't call you because I have to pretend I don't care.

Thank you all.

In a very unusual way
one time I needed you
In a very unusual way
you were my friend
Maybe it lasted a day,
maybe it lasted an hour.
But, somehow it will never end.

In a very unusual way
I think I'm in love with you
In a very unusual way
I want to cry
Something inside me goes weak,
Something inside me surrenders,
And you're the reason why,
You're the reason why

You don't know what you do to me,
You don't have a clue.
You can't tell
what its like to be
me looking at you.
It scares me so,
that I can hardly speak.

In a very unusual way,
I owe what I am to you.
Though at times it appears I won't stay,
I never go.
Special to me in my life,
Since the first day that I met you
How could I ever forget you,
Once you had touched my soul?
In a very unusual way,
You've made me whole.

I've been you before.

So I'm alone. On my couch. Upside down (no, not figuratively, my feet are over the top of it, and my hair is grazing the floor). Drinking grapefruit juice because I love the bitter aftertaste. There are few things I love and that's one of them - it's an odd taste - I love odd things.
I feel shitty today. Someone I know uses the phrase "emotionally destitute". Another person uses "non-equity". They're cute.

I had a conversation with someone from highschool today.
It went:

"So do I get to come to ny and see you in a church soon?"
" Um, sure. You should definitely visit......um, church?"
"No, silly, are you getting married anytime soon? Do I get to prepare for that?"
"OH! Ha ahahaa, noooooo nononono. I don't want to get married for awhile. I just got away from my parents. I really want to DO something with my life first, ya know?"
(pause)
" Oh, ok,totally, I totally understand. So..........what are you.....what are you DOING with your life then?"
" Nothing. Hold on a sec, I have to go kill myself."


I don't write that as a memory trapped in time, I write it as a precursor, as an explanation for my mood. Just getting it out folks.

There are so many of you. And I know exactly what it's like to be you.

O Heartbroken. I know you so well. I know your "two pennies crushed into one on the tracks" and when you said to me " Wow,you're more neurotic than I thought" I nearly killed you. Instead I smiled like Mona Lisa. I know what it's like to not be able to fuction because your heart is not in service at the moment - it's broken. Yes, I know wasting time in the name of heartbreak. I am you.

And O Hopeless, I stand in your shoes as well. You know so much about the world.Facts. Things that are run by Hatred. You are made miserable by your knowledge. Knolwedge of nine tails flays you constantly.I know and love you more than anyone, but fear you more than anything.I hate your phonecalls, but would't live if I knew for sure I would never get another one. I am slowly becoming you. I still have hope so I am not you, but that is tempered and whipsawed by confusion.
Thank you microchips and waterboarding.

O Misunderstood you asked me to grow up and treat you as a person a few months ago, since this happens to you often, and I told you being an adult wasn't my first priority. It still isn't, as adulthood leads to senility leads to death. But I know you. I still feel I owe you nothing but common courtesy. But your fingers are red and outstretched from grasping at the air in hopes that some partical of it may love you. Someday I may kiss your fingers, but I hate it when I am you.

O poet, O Restless, O Wilted believe me I know you better than anyone. You are empty and sometimes desperate to mean something, anything. It, the ever present status-quo kind of 'it', is never enough for you, and the simplest thing (like just saying "Hello") can be titanic obstacles. You are maddened by the stars. Granted.....you did just make a wish, didn't you?
It doesn't matter, I am you too.

Gotta love the company I keep. No really, I have to.

Those who have been in love with me (if I may be so bold), are probably saying " You are so ridiculous. Why aren't you happy? You could have had ME." I think I'll smile like Mona Lisa again in response to that.

Poco loco, yo.

Next blog will be hilarious.